Rules of Disengagement

I had a great a professor many years ago in a philosophy course who told us on the first day of class that he would grade us on how we engaged the material. It wasn’t enough to do the readings and assignments. You had to participate in class…contribute to the discussions…add something of value. It was a small class and you couldn’t just get by. He expected more.

I started to think of God as the ultimate great professor who would one day peer into my soul and ask: How did you engage the material, Lucy? I gave you a lot to work with.

You can’t bullshit God.

What am I doing with my gifts? How do I affect the people who come into my life? How am I engaging the abundant material all around me?

That’s an empowering perspective because it puts us in the position of taking an active role in the quality of our souls. It’s up to us to do the work, make the effort. It lets me see God as a benevolent teacher, gently nudging us to be more.

It is Week Two of my great escape. Already the voice in my head admonishes me. I haven’t made a decent To Do List. I haven’t started a work out regimen. (I did download the 7-Minute Workout. Apparently scientists have discovered a 7-minute workout is more effective than an hour. I may hold out for the discovery that merely thinking about working out is more effective than actual exercise.)

Engagement. It is ubiquitous today. It was the point of our social media campaigns at the college where I worked. How can we better engage students? Data show that students who are engaged (meet with professors, join clubs, etc.) persist at higher rates than those who don’t. Love Does is the name of a book I just finished, not Love Rests.

Every morning since I stopped working, my son Jake asks jokingly, “What are you doing today, huh Mom?”

Is it OK to disengage? Is it a weakness or character flaw? Is it a kind of failure? Is God wagging his almighty finger thinking, “Luuucy, you got some ‘splainin to do.” My house is very quiet. No one is home. The TV is off. No one is demanding anything of me right now. Even the dogs are disinterested in my presence. I am only today starting to feel I can exhale.

It is blissfully OK. I think maybe God has my back on this. Here’s my To Do List today:

1. Don’t look at Facebook.

2. Make the bed.

3. Visit Dad and just hold his hand.

4. Drop off the Brisket I made Pat and Jamie.

5. Take a nap.

Zen and the art of closet organization

Mud room
I read that a YouTube video blogger is making $5 million a year opening toys on camera. That’s it. Apparently there is a vicarious thrill that comes from watching her manicured nails slice open the packaging and assemble toys.

My son watches YouTube videos of other people playing Minecraft or FIFA. I didn’t get it. Until I discovered there are YouTube videos of people teaching us how to organize closets and drawers. I was hooked.

There is one lady who shows you how to fold your shirts into perfect squares and then she rolls them up into these beautiful, little packages that sit up perkily in the drawer. Picture it. There is no pile of folded shirts to mess up when pulling one out from the bottom.

Ingenious.

I sat transfixed with that video, filing away the technique in my head. Someday, I too shall roll up shirts into colorful works of art, as God is my witness. Let it be written that my hangers will all match.

There is a definite correlation between the condition of my closet and the state of my soul.

So my daughter Hannah came home from school Wednesday and discovered I had organized the mud room. She laughed, saying, “Darla was right!” Darla is my former colleague and friend forever. Those two hit it off at my going away party, speculating about how I would spend my new found time.

Our mud room is carved out of a side entrance and has a built in bench with drawers for socks, baskets underneath for shoes, hooks for the dog leash. You get the idea. Only for several years it was just a fully exposed junk drawer, accumulating assorted books, retainer cases, a single drumstick without its match. The hooks strained under the weight of every coat we own, Sports Authority bags holding items we once intended to return…the dry cleaning bag.

The baskets overflowed with broken flip flops, old sneakers and water shoes. Who wears water shoes?

image

Today it is worthy of a spread in Real Simple. The shirt rolling lady has nothing on me.

Damn, I should have videotaped it.

Eat, Pray, Love

A toast to saying "yes."
A toast to saying “yes.”

Ok, no one would read a book titled Sleep, Read, Carpool.

A great escape could use a great trip. Get this: On my last day of work, my nephew Kevin and his beautiful wife invited me to have a toast to my new chapter as I start this sabbatical or retirement or Year of Living Selfishly. I found them at an outdoor market sipping wine with my brother and his wife, planning a trip to Italy this summer to stay at a villa in Umbria. There’s a room for you and Scott. Want to come?

Kevin is a really cool guy. I taught him how to drive stick shift when he was 15, back when cars were stupid and couldn’t park themselves. Now he’s all grown up, married. They have three kids. Kevin and Missy are two of the most wonderful people I know. Idealistic. Kind. Fun. They said the only rule for the trip is we must to say “yes, and…” to every adventure, like the rules of improv.

He showed me a video of the house with the voice of Andrea Bocelli playing in the background. Oh, and the trip starts in Rome with a private tour of the Sistine Chapel.

Really?

I have until today to decide and here’s the conversation in my head:

Do we have the money? Good Lord, I just quit my job.
Can I bring myself to leave the kids behind?

Ok, one kid will be away at camp.

What if we die in a plane crash?
I can expand my soul right here, going to Outback for dinner.
What are you nuts?

Kevin, YES, and…let’s learn Italian.

Day One

View from my new office
The view from my new office.

No one knows how they got to the top of the hill.
Since we’re only here for a while, might as well show some style.
Isn’t it a lovely ride? Sliding down. Gliding down.
Try not to try too hard, it’s just a lovely ride.

—James Taylor, Secret ‘O Life

At 55 and at the pinnacle of career success, I realized I needed out not up, less not more. I couldn’t do it one more day. So I did it for six more months, setting myself up financially to exit my job as vice president of marketing at a college.

I used to tell my team members to “trust your gut” but I had been ignoring mine a very long time. The turning point? The morning I sobbed the entire way to work…and could not stop.

It seems to me there are two very different kinds of work challenges. One kind requires you to grow and expand who you are…the other to diminish or reduce yourself. Tackling them may initially feel the same, calling upon the same ingenuity and discipline, intelligence or grit, but they are not the same.

Here’s a clue: Are you invigorated by the energy invested…or depleted? My big job with its big salary and big title had started to require me to become smaller. Over time it caused me to mute my voice. Avoid conflict at whatever cost.

There was a cost. I finally listened to my gut that morning when the floodgates opened. Get out.

I missed my kids too. I missed chunks of their days. Everything was compartmentalized, squeezed into Outlook calendar entries. Each week was a different carpool arrangement, finding moms or dads to pick up and drop off. I came home late, too tired to cook, resentful of the scarcity of time and energy. My daughter was struggling through Middle School social issues and problems I had missed. Teens don’t just tell you what’s going on in their hearts on your timetable. Your antenna needs to be tuned in to the nuanced signals they send. My antenna had collapsed.

Nothing felt like a lovely ride.

So I have bought myself time. The funds may only last for a couple of years. But I hope what I gain will stay with me my whole life. I escaped from something that over time caused me damage. Now I will take the time to figure out why…and what really matters…what makes my soul expand.

I have these two great kids, a very good man as my husband and partner…and wonderful family and friends supporting me…on my great escape.

What would you do if you just had the luxury of more free, truly free time?